Question to the expert: “I left my husband, falling in love with the girl”

While we are fully involved in difficult relations, completely immersed, dissolved in them, we, as a separate individuality, are, as it were, and it is not clear who to make a choice.

“It happened a year and a half ago, I left my husband, falling in love with the girl. Love was strong and real. I felt her, and she, we could predict the desires and thoughts of each other. Were happy as children. A year later, our relations became calm and measured, there was no longer that passion, but we continued to live for each other. And a month ago it turned out that we agreed with a young man, and not just converged, but the three of us had sex. At first, everything was wonderful, I already thought how good we could spend the three of the three. But on our third night, my girlfriend rolled a scandal to me. I know her well enough and for some reason thought that she was not jealous of me for him, but to me. Such scandals were the next 3 times. Then she stated that she would not go to him and would not let me go. My guess was confirmed: she fell in love with this guy, and even in bed with him enjoyed. Everything would be nothing, but she is indifferent to him, he wanted to communicate with me, wanted me to be with him. Well, I, in my misfortune, realized that I was not indifferent to both of me. Now they make me choose: either he or she. How to do it correctly?”

Lucy Michaelyan, Psychologist:

“Talking about your love relationships, you emphasize that their great value for you is the feeling of“ all -consuming love ”, the ability to“ predict the desires and thoughts of each other ”(I highlight your words). This is what you are looking for in a relationship, what attracts you from one relationship to others, with new partners (partners).

In the language of psychology, such relations are called the state of merger, when it seems as if there are not two different people, but one. The experience of your relationship with a friend (or perhaps with the ex -husband) showed that in this form they cannot exist for a long time. You write: “A year later, our relations became calm and measured, there was no more passion …” And then a young man appears, one for two, which was introduced to your life, the dull sensations were dull to your life. Calm and dimension leave, giving way to passion. But the union of three is an unstable structure, jealousy intervenes in it, which prevents the merger, forcing you to make a choice. It is painful for you, because both alternatives are unattractive. Either a relationship with a girlfriend, to whom you no longer experience “all -consuming love”, or relations with a young man, new and therefore giving hope for her. But then a gap with a friend, the end of calm and dimension. And you, it seems, are looking for relationships in which both of them would be stability and the merger of “all -consuming love”.

Such relationships are really in human life. This is a relationship between a baby and mother. In the first year of life, a child needs to develop it for his development. The baby knows himself and the surrounding world, seeing his reflection in the loving eyes of the mother (figuratively speaking). In such a relationship, the child receives confirmation that he is beloved, good, and the world around him is stable and safe. If at an early age a person has not received guarantees of his own value and constancy of dear loved ones, he continues to search for such relations in adulthood, in love.

But in adulthood, its laws. In it, the eternal merger is impossible. Because in relations there are adults – each with a separate psyche, with their desires, goals, features, preferences. At the beginning of the love affair, the mercy of the merger is dominated by, and people who seek “all -consuming love” are “happy as children”. But gradually situations arise more and more often, detecting differences between partners. For example, one of you wants to go to the cinema, and the other has a headache, she is tired and does not want. If the merger’s forces win, then most likely no one will go to the cinema or both will go. In both cases, one of the partners acts against his desire, and this is already a merger that does not bring satisfaction. So the “all -consuming love” gradually leaves, and a person goes to search for new relationships.

In adulthood, a combination of passion and stability is possible. This must be learned. Close, but individuals can be.

Returning to my example with a trip to the cinema: you have to learn to go to the cinema alone (or stay at home alone), while not losing the feeling that you are people who love each other. Your relationship must withstand the distance and rapprochement, become more flexible. There may be a place for passion in such a relationship, but not 24 hours a day, but with a “happy set of circumstances” (you are both in such a mood, for example).

Are you striving for a stable relationship? If so, then we must learn to develop tolerance for differences with a partner in relations. Do you choose novelty, change of partners, acute sensations? If so, then be prepared to accept the consequences of your choice – pain (your and/or your partner). This pain, as I have already said, inevitably arises in the relations of adults who strive for eternal merger, because it is a children’s need, the realization of which is impossible in adulthood.

I return to your question: “How to do the right thing?»Try to focus on yourself and understand what your plans for yourself for the future.

The fact is that while you are fully involved in difficult relationships, are completely immersed, dissolved in them, you, as a separate individuality, are, as it were, and it is not clear who to make a choice. What would you like to see yourself in a year, five years later, in ten years? What qualities you would like to develop in yourself, what would you like to change? What could be the first step to the future you preferred? Which of close people believes that you can become such a person as you would like to see yourself? My questions are aimed at ensuring that you can see yourself as an individual person who has your own goals and preferences. It will be easier for you from this site to understand relations with a girl and a young man. “.

Author, expert, lawyer. Will feminity help in the struggle for women’s rights?

Not an editor, but an editor, not an expert, but an expert, not a professor, but a professor … All these are feminities – words with which some women determine their professional affiliation. We talked with experts whether they contradict the rules of the Russian language, whether the stereotypes can change and why someone in every possible way opposes their use, and someone with both hands behind.

I am preparing this text and imagine bloody battles with a corrector. Most likely, every “editor” and “expert” will have to be conquered with a battle. It will not be easy to do – if only because my whole being opposes the use of feminity.

Perhaps you have never heard these words, but the supporters of the feminist movement actively insist on their use. From their point of view, the absence of these words in the language directly reflects the patriarchal attitudes of our society, in which women are still on the second roles. But they seem to be in the minority.

Many women prefer that their specialty sounds in a masculine kind: whatever one may say, there is something dismissive in “lecturers” and “accountants”. “Lecturer” and “accountant” sounds more significant, more professional. In any case, while.

“We are talking about an ideological conflict”

Anna Potsar, philologist

We are not talking about word formation as such, but about the ideological conflict behind it. The words “author”, “expert” are new in themselves, they are not in dictionaries. The more familiar “author”, “ticket”, “editor” are perceived as dismissive. The words of the feminine formed with the help of the suffix “K” sound more neutral.

But the matter is different. Each such word contains a conflict of two ideologies. According to the first, there is a language system in which professional affiliation is indicated by the words of the masculine. Thus, the centuries -old superiority of men is officially enshrined.

Carriers (and for the most part – carriers) of alternative ideology believe that the female family has equal rights. They not only declare, but rather emphasize and “stick out” this moment of the confrontation of male and female, declare their rights to equal status with men.

Thus, the verbal units of “author”, “editor”, “expert” contain this confrontation. These are the so -called “polyphonic words” in which different points of view come across. And we can say with confidence that they will not be stylistically neutral in the foreseeable future and will not become normative verbal units.

“A look at the world through the eyes of a woman”

Olgert Kharitonova, feminist philosopher

“Language is a house of being,” said Heidegger, a philosopher, I’ll clarify a man. The philosopher Arendt, despite Heidegger’s cooperation with the Nazis, recalls him as one of the most significant philosophers of the

twentieth century. At the same time, Arendt is also a very significant figure in political theory, psychology and philosophy of the twentieth century. For nothing that a woman. And you read the “Philosopher Redt” and you will not think that a woman can be a philosopher. Maybe.

Women in general can be engineers, locksmiths, plumbers, leaders, talents, colonels and pilots.

So, language is the House of Genesis. It is in the language that being lives and exists. That which is not in the language, then does not live, that is not in life. There is no woman-professor, because so far in the Russian language the professor is the wife of the professor, and the words “professor” do not exist. So, a woman-professor has no place in the language, and therefore, she has no place in life. Nevertheless, I myself know several women working as a professor.

Gender stereotypes can be broken only turned upside down, changing the angle of view to the opposite

Feminitives are designed to eliminate this nonsense and injustice. They are needed to make women visible in professional areas, in the field of politics, and in the social field, where a woman is mainly a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, and not the head of the city and not the creator of a new reality.

Gender stereotypes, like any others, can be broken only, only turning everything upside down, changing the angle of view to the opposite. Until now, we are looking at society and the eyes of men in it. Feminitives suggest looking at the world through the eyes of women. In this case, not only the look changes, but also the world.

“The value of belonging to your floor”

Julia Zakharova, Clinical Psychologist

The appearance of feminity is associated with the anti -discrimination movement. It appeared as a contrast between the idea of “another, different from me, from most – it means a stranger”. But if at the beginning of this movement in the focus there was equality: “All people are equal, the same!”, Now it has seriously modified. Consider everyone equal, equating women to men, as well as discriminatively inherently. The appearance of feminity reflects the modern slogan of the anti -discrimination movement – “Respect the differences!”.

Women are different from men, they do not want to be equated to men. The female floor is not weak, and not equal to the male. He is just different. This is the essence of gender equality. Understanding this fact is reflected in the language. It is important for many women today to demonstrate not equality to a man, but the value of belonging to their floor.

“Unusual often seems ugly”

Suyumbika Davlt-Kildeev, DJITAL-SOISOLOGINE

Of course, feminity is important. This is very simple: until the phenomenon is fixed in the language, it is not fixed in the mind. Many are bombed from the word “author”, and usually those who express indignation about him, rest that they are full of female authors and they have all the rights, but this is not so.

Recently, the poetess Faina Grimberg had a text that, no matter how hard the woman was trying, she still could not write like a man, because her biological purpose is not to give birth to texts and meanings, but by children. And while this thought responds in their heads, we need to talk about the author and writers in the female gender, so that even the latest skeptics have no doubt that a woman can write no worse than a man.

More about feminity often say that they sound unusual and disfigure the tongue, but these are all nonsense. For example, the words “parachute” and “gulf” seem ugly to me, but this is exactly the same subjective assessment. Unusual often seems ugly, but this is a matter of time. When these words will stand, they will stop cutting a hearing. This is the natural development of the language.

“Stupid remodeling of the tongue”

Elena Pogrebizhskaya, director

Personally, it cuts me a rumor. In my opinion, this is a rather stupid remodeling of the tongue. Since in the Russian language many professions are called in a masculine, you guys write “author” and “lawyer”, too much conceit, if you think that since you wrote so, now the Russian language will bend under you and accept thiscrap per normal.

“The opportunity to make a contribution of women visible”

Lilith Mazikina, writer

I know that many colleagues believe that the “journalist” sounds unprofessional and will be better to appear as a journalist (and necessarily a poet, because the poet is such a fake poet), but I, as a journalist, consider journalists to prove their professionalism in the history of the XX and XXI centurythe workshops of the pen, keyboard, cameras and microphone. So I usually write to myself: a journalist, writer, poet. Could “poetess”, but I really love polonisms among the new feminists popular among some of the feminists, about the fact that I am “-ka” with the greatest warmth.

If some new words generally introduce a large number of people into their speech, then there is a request for them. How wide it is and how long it lasts, the question is different. I and many other feminists have a request to make women’s contribution to the profession, science to make it visible so that professionalism is not associated only with a male family and, therefore, sex. Language reflects our consciousness and affects consciousness, this is a scientific fact, and I rely on it when I welcome visible feminities.

“Donation of political correctness”

Anna s., journalist

Perhaps over time, feminity is integrated into the language, but now this is the same tribute to political correctness as writing “in Ukraine”. Therefore, personally it is somewhat firing me.

I do not insult me in the household sense if they write “the doctor prescribed”. I do not see any infringement in this, but I agree that this may be inconvenient from the point of view of selecting verbs in the right one if the character is unfamiliar. For example, “lawyer Kravchuk” – how to understand whether he is or she? In general, although I am aware of the plasticity and diversity of the language, at the moment the established norms for me are more important.

“I would not want to be called psychologists, but do not mind calling that who insists on this,” says Julia Zakharova at the end of our conversation. I agree with her. Being an editor is more familiar to me than an editor or editors. Probably, I am a much less feminist than I used to think, and much more conservative. In a word, there is something to think about.

Change to be: how to support yourself during the crisis?

Divorce, dismissal from work, an unexpected epidemic – it would seem that these events have common? However, they all serve as the prerequisites for our growth. But the path to a new level always goes through the internal crisis.

Crises in our lives begin for various reasons. Therefore, they can be divided into controlled and uncontrollable.

Controlled crisis – the one that we organized ourselves (moving, divorce, work change). It’s easier to cope with him, because the new situation in which we found ourselves is the result of our choice and thoughtful steps. We can prepare in advance and plan – “lay the straw”. But it is impossible to think through everything, in any case, the process of transition to the new will be difficult (if it is simple, then the goal was not too high).

An uncontrollable crisis – This is the one that we did not plan, which we did not expect, and therefore did not prepare for it (reduction, betrayal of a partner, epidemic). For example, pandemia can be attributed to an uncontrollable crisis. After all, we did not assume that it would happen, and what was happening influenced all of us.

We are faced with severe emotions: anxiety, anger, irritation, fear, helplessness, loneliness. We exaggerate the catastrophic of the situation, lose landmarks and perspective, we cannot make plans for the future. This is how any crisis is manifested, including the controlled.

Help yourself calm down. Return to what the crisis has not changed: communicate with the same people, live with the same husband, work in the same work. Perhaps you will begin to think about the future: “Now everything is fine, but what will happen tomorrow …” Such thoughts help you? More likely no than yes. Because they fuel your anxiety.

Therefore, stop. Take a deep breath into four accounts, then hold your breath, count to four and exhale also for one or two-three-four, then hold your breath again. And so continue for a few minutes. Then come back to the present – look around the room, return the sensation of the body, lightly touching yourself with your fingers. Breathe. And remember that

Οι αξιωματούχοι παραδέχτηκαν ότι το φορτίο τους εμποδίζει να περπατούν, να υποστηρίζουν και να υπάρχουν εντελώς υπάρχοντα. “Κοιμήθηκα sildenafil επειδή η κοιλιά πίεσε το στομάχι, ολόκληρο το σώμα μου πονάει. Τα εγχώρια αγαθά είναι ικανοποιημένα με δυσκολία, για μένα, μόνο μία νύχτα έχει περάσει και οι έγκυες γυναίκες ζουν μερικούς μήνες”, έγραψε ένα από τα πειράματα που συμμετείχαν Κελάδημα.

a lot is the same. This will return your support to you.

In addition, to remain calm, you can:

1. Do not dramatize the future

Try to stop yourself when your brain is trying to anticipate possible outcomes of the situation, look into the future.

The unknown will excite the imagination: we want to “get to the bottom of”, understand and predict what will be – give situations of certainty of certainty. We need the situation to somehow end so that we can move on. But if in fact there is no certainty, we will not create it with the power of thought.