While we are fully involved in difficult relations, completely immersed, dissolved in them, we, as a separate individuality, are, as it were, and it is not clear who to make a choice.
“It happened a year and a half ago, I left my husband, falling in love with the girl. Love was strong and real. I felt her, and she, we could predict the desires and thoughts of each other. Were happy as children. A year later, our relations became calm and measured, there was no longer that passion, but we continued to live for each other. And a month ago it turned out that we agreed with a young man, and not just converged, but the three of us had sex. At first, everything was wonderful, I already thought how good we could spend the three of the three. But on our third night, my girlfriend rolled a scandal to me. I know her well enough and for some reason thought that she was not jealous of me for him, but to me. Such scandals were the next 3 times. Then she stated that she would not go to him and would not let me go. My guess was confirmed: she fell in love with this guy, and even in bed with him enjoyed. Everything would be nothing, but she is indifferent to him, he wanted to communicate with me, wanted me to be with him. Well, I, in my misfortune, realized that I was not indifferent to both of me. Now they make me choose: either he or she. How to do it correctly?”
Lucy Michaelyan, Psychologist:
“Talking about your love relationships, you emphasize that their great value for you is the feeling of“ all -consuming love ”, the ability to“ predict the desires and thoughts of each other ”(I highlight your words). This is what you are looking for in a relationship, what attracts you from one relationship to others, with new partners (partners).
In the language of psychology, such relations are called the state of merger, when it seems as if there are not two different people, but one. The experience of your relationship with a friend (or perhaps with the ex -husband) showed that in this form they cannot exist for a long time. You write: “A year later, our relations became calm and measured, there was no more passion …” And then a young man appears, one for two, which was introduced to your life, the dull sensations were dull to your life. Calm and dimension leave, giving way to passion. But the union of three is an unstable structure, jealousy intervenes in it, which prevents the merger, forcing you to make a choice. It is painful for you, because both alternatives are unattractive. Either a relationship with a girlfriend, to whom you no longer experience “all -consuming love”, or relations with a young man, new and therefore giving hope for her. But then a gap with a friend, the end of calm and dimension. And you, it seems, are looking for relationships in which both of them would be stability and the merger of “all -consuming love”.
Such relationships are really in human life. This is a relationship between a baby and mother. In the first year of life, a child needs to develop it for his development. The baby knows himself and the surrounding world, seeing his reflection in the loving eyes of the mother (figuratively speaking). In such a relationship, the child receives confirmation that he is beloved, good, and the world around him is stable and safe. If at an early age a person has not received guarantees of his own value and constancy of dear loved ones, he continues to search for such relations in adulthood, in love.
But in adulthood, its laws. In it, the eternal merger is impossible. Because in relations there are adults – each with a separate psyche, with their desires, goals, features, preferences. At the beginning of the love affair, the mercy of the merger is dominated by, and people who seek “all -consuming love” are “happy as children”. But gradually situations arise more and more often, detecting differences between partners. For example, one of you wants to go to the cinema, and the other has a headache, she is tired and does not want. If the merger’s forces win, then most likely no one will go to the cinema or both will go. In both cases, one of the partners acts against his desire, and this is already a merger that does not bring satisfaction. So the “all -consuming love” gradually leaves, and a person goes to search for new relationships.
In adulthood, a combination of passion and stability is possible. This must be learned. Close, but individuals can be.
Returning to my example with a trip to the cinema: you have to learn to go to the cinema alone (or stay at home alone), while not losing the feeling that you are people who love each other. Your relationship must withstand the distance and rapprochement, become more flexible. There may be a place for passion in such a relationship, but not 24 hours a day, but with a “happy set of circumstances” (you are both in such a mood, for example).
Are you striving for a stable relationship? If so, then we must learn to develop tolerance for differences with a partner in relations. Do you choose novelty, change of partners, acute sensations? If so, then be prepared to accept the consequences of your choice – pain (your and/or your partner). This pain, as I have already said, inevitably arises in the relations of adults who strive for eternal merger, because it is a children’s need, the realization of which is impossible in adulthood.
I return to your question: “How to do the right thing?»Try to focus on yourself and understand what your plans for yourself for the future.
The fact is that while you are fully involved in difficult relationships, are completely immersed, dissolved in them, you, as a separate individuality, are, as it were, and it is not clear who to make a choice. What would you like to see yourself in a year, five years later, in ten years? What qualities you would like to develop in yourself, what would you like to change? What could be the first step to the future you preferred? Which of close people believes that you can become such a person as you would like to see yourself? My questions are aimed at ensuring that you can see yourself as an individual person who has your own goals and preferences. It will be easier for you from this site to understand relations with a girl and a young man. “.